


Colours

by ImNotOhKay



Category: One Direction (Band), Radio 1 RPF
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-15 15:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/528632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImNotOhKay/pseuds/ImNotOhKay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's basically Louis and Nick sadfacing at each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Grey

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry. SO sorry. This idea wouldn’t leave me alone. I tried not writing it but it just made me sad. I never write fic, so any constructive criticism is welcome. This is also posted on tumblr :)
> 
> [Disclaimer: This is completely fictional. None of this is real. I don't own any of these characters or people - oh, how I wish I did]

****

Louis’ world had turned grey. He felt alone - he knew that there was no one else in the world who felt the way he did. After it had happened, he had shut himself away from everyone and pushed the other boys away. He guarded his grief like a jealous lover, refusing to heal, feeling guilty when he smiled or laughed and so he left them. It had been a month, but his feelings of grief had not lessened in intensity. The fans mourned, but Louis felt no connection to them- he saw their tear-streaked faces and felt no sympathy. They didn’t know him the way Louis had. No one did. His mum called every day reminding him to eat, reminding him that it would get better, that he wouldn’t have wanted Lou to feel this way. The truth was that Louis didn’t _want_ to be happy. If Harry couldn’t be happy then Louis didn’t want to be - he never wanted to see colour if Harry’s eyes could never open again. And so Louis retreated into himself. He took the colour out of his world and made it grey. He stared blankly at the grave, refusing to comprehend what it was he had lost. He couldn’t run away from his sadness for long before it caught up with him.

His best friend was dead.

Harry Styles was dead.

Never again would he rest his head on Louis’ shoulder with his curly hair tickling Lou’s face as they watched a movie. He’d never be able to crawl into Harry’s bed after a nightmare and take comfort from his warm presence. His lazy, lopsided smile, the dimple in his left cheek, his green eyes shining with mischief: forever gone. Harry was the best person that Louis had ever met and now he was gone, the most beautiful boy taken from him by a drunken driver late on a Friday night.

He heard footsteps behind him and looked up sharply- the press had taken to following him lately. He made to run away but it wasn’t a pap. He looked up to meet the red-rimmed eyes of Nick Grimshaw.

Nick and Louis had never gotten on while Harry was alive, but now, as they faced each other Louis remembered that Nick, as Harry’s other best friend, was possibly the only other person who understood what he was going through. He nodded at Nick curtly and stepped aside to make room in front of the grave for him. Nick moved to stand beside him, their hands barely brushing at their sides; they stood in silence, each one lost in his own reminiscence of their mutual friend. They stood that way until it started to rain and Nick turned to leave.

“Nick, wait...” Louis called, his voice cracked from disuse.

Nick turned to look at him, his expression confused and questioning.“Yeah?”

Louis moved closer to him.“...Can I... uhm, this is going to sound... look can I come with you?” he asked.

Nick did nothing to hide his shock, but looked at Louis long and hard before nodding.

 

When they arrived at Nick’s place, he turned to Louis and said, “Make yourself comfortable,” barely waiting for Louis’ nod and quick _thank you_ before making his way to a different room.

When he got back Louis had curled up on his couch. He sat down next to him and said softly, “Why me?”

Louis sat up, drawing his feet underneath him to make more room for Nick next to him. “What do you mean?” he asked.

Nick looked down at his hands before saying, “I called Liam. He says you’ve barely spoken to him or the other lads since it happened. We’ve never particularly gotten on, yet here you are. So, why me?”

Louis sighed, “Honestly, Grimshaw, I thought you claimed to be intelligent.”

Nick wasn’t going to bite. He knew Louis was trying to put him off by starting an argument, so he simply arched a brow and said “I’m waiting, Louis.”

Face downcast, Louis mumbled, “I can’t go back there. It’s too empty without him. You were close to him - you were his best friend - so you’re the only one who could possibly understand.”

Nick reached over taking, Louis’ hand in his, and said, “Lou, Louis. You were his best friend. There was no one he loved more than you.”

Louis shook his head no. “We were more than best friends. What we were, what he is, what he _means_ to me is more than anyone else could possibly begin to understand. We could have happily lived with only each other, always.”

Nick nodded; while he never had been able to comprehend the intricacies of their relationship, he had always known that the two had had a deep affection for each other. Perhaps that was why the next words out of his mouth were, “Stay as long as you need to,” before padding off to the kitchen to make tea and wondering what he’d just agreed to.

Louis was there a week before anything happened.

They had spent the time in virtual silence. Lou wore Nick’s clothes and Nick took care of him as best he could, making sure that he ate regularly as well as checking in with Liam, Niall and Zayn almost daily. Then it happened. 

The television was on, and Lou, as usual, had curled up on the couch not really watching but needing something to fill the silence. Nick was in the kitchen fixing sandwiches for their supper- Louis wouldn’t eat much else - when the familiar opening chords of “What Make You Beautiful” reached him from the front room. He immediately dropped the knife he was using and went into the other room. Louis had sat up and was staring at the screen intently, his tears flowing freely and his shoulders shaking. In all the time that he had been there Nick had never seen him cry - Louis had always been careful to wait until Nick had gone to bed. He went to sit at the end of the couch and pulled Louis to him, holding him close, his hands stroking the younger man’s back soothingly. Nick buried his face in Louis’ hair when he heard Harry’s solo, his own sobs adding to Louis’ in a harmony of grief.

Louis. Caring, affectionate, Louis pulled back slightly and looked up at the man who had taken care of him for a week. Brown eyes met blue before Louis reached up and kissed him gently. The kiss was comforting: it was salty from their tears. Louis’ lips were rough and they were both out of breath but more importantly, it was the human contact that they had both missed. Louis ran his tongue lightly along Nick’s bottom lip, asking Nick to let him in. Nick pulled him even closer, his hands moving greedily along Louis’ back. Now that they had established contact, neither of them wanted to let go of the other. Their hands and mouths explored each other, relearning and teaching what it is to be human.

A loud knock came from the door and the two separated slowly, looking at each other. When neither of them said anything, Nick disentangled himself from Louis and walked towards the door. Loath to lose the contact, Louis grabbed Nick’s hand, following him to the door, only to find none other than Liam Payne in the doorway.

 

 


	2. Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Liam is kind of a cockblock - again. This got weirdly domesticated. :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I chickened about the smut but I promise to man up for the next part. This bit is kind of fluffy and stuff and yeah. Not as sad as the previous bit. Next bit promises to have more sads and sexytiems. Also, feedback is much appreciated. This is the first time I'm showing my work to other people so criticism is much appreciated.

 

Liam barrelled in and pulled Louis into a hug, forcing him to let go of Nick’s hand. Louis, not knowing what else to do, allowed himself to relax into the hug, smelling the familiar scent of Liam’s shampoo – pretending for just a second that none of it happened – until he met Nick’s gaze.

Nick stood awkwardly behind the two boys, watching them embrace and feeling annoyed with Liam for interrupting them. When Louis’ eyes met his, he looked away sharply and mumbled something about tea before shuffling off to the kitchen where he finished the sandwiches from earlier and made a fresh pot of tea.

When he got back to the living room, he found the other two sitting facing each other not speaking, but staring at each other – assessing the other’s well-being.

Nick placed the tray down on the coffee table before asking, “So, Liam, what can we do for you?”

Liam decided to get straight to the point. “I came to get Louis. We’re worried about him”

Louis gasped at the same time that Nick said, “No.”

Both Liam and Louis looked at him, amazed at the forcefulness of his response.

Surprised at his own reaction, Nick shrugged nonchalantly before saying, “He’s not ready.”

Frowning, Liam looked at Louis for confirmation. Liam was concerned he hadn’t seen Louis for too long and Nick’s house was the last place he’d have thought to look for him, yet here he was. He seemed healthy enough and he was eating, which was a definite improvement from when Liam had last seen him. So he waited for Louis’ answer. When Lou nodded, Liam hugged him and told him that he’d bring some of his things soon.

After Liam left, Louis claimed fatigue and made his way to the spare bedroom that Nick let him stay in. Nick watched him go, feeling as though he should say something but not sure what exactly to say.

As he lay in bed, Louis thought about all that had happened. He should have gone with Liam. It was the sensible thing to do. He should be around people who loved him. People who were always there for him – people who understood him. Nick didn’t fit the criteria, except that Nick was taking care of him – Nick instinctively knew when to leave him alone, he knew when Louis needed company, mindless chatter and subtle touches. Only, Louis had gone and ruined it – he had kissed Nick.

He, Louis Tomlinson, had kissed Nick Grimshaw.

He was horrified. How could he do something so stupid? He didn’t even like Nick, especially not in that way. Yet in that moment he felt closer to Nick than anyone else, Nick hadn’t wanted him to go with Liam – even though he said it was for Louis’ sake, Louis couldn’t help but feel as though there was more to it than that. Or rather, he _hoped_ there was more to it. He couldn’t help feeling confused, he was going to have to avoid Nick and the conversation that he knew was inevitable until he could figure out what he was doing.

In the next room, Nick was getting ready for bed. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. If he were being honest with himself, he’d have to admit that he didn’t want Louis to leave because taking care of him distracted Nick from his own grief. If Louis left, if he was forced to be alone, then Nick would have to think about himself – about Harry. When he had first agreed to Louis staying he hadn’t known what he was getting himself into, but it had seemed to come naturally to him.

Then Louis had kissed him.

Nick knew that it didn’t mean anything - was sure of it -  it was about comfort. Even so, a part of him wanted it to mean more. He wanted to know that Louis needed him because he needed Louis. Nick didn’t want to be honest with himself. So, he resolved to do whatever he needed to make sure Louis wouldn’t leave yet. Nick wasn’t ready for that.

Three days later, Nick realised that he would have to go back to work soon. His selfish resolve to keep Louis with him was wavering; maybe it would be best to for him to be with his bandmates.  They would be there for him. He didn’t want him to go but he didn’t want to leave him alone either. So, Nick put someone else’s needs before his own – something he hadn’t done in a while.

Nick took a deep breath before knocking on the door to his guestroom (where Louis had holed himself up the past three days) and entering when Louis said, “Yes?”

Poking his head inside, Nick said, “I need to talk to you.”

Looking at him curiously, Louis patted the bed indicating that Nick should sit next to him. “Okay?”

Nick made his way across the room. Sitting next to him he started, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be with your friends? Your family?”

“Do you want me to leave? Am I in the way?” Louis asked, his voice going slightly higher than usual.

“No! No, it’s not that. I said you could stay as long as you needed to, didn’t I? It’s just that I have to go back to work soon and I need to know that you’ll be okay while I’m there,” Nick rushed to reassure him.

Louis glared at him before saying, “I can take care of myself, Grimshaw. I’m not a fucking toddler.”

The look that Louis gave him was so reminiscent of before it had happened – before Harry died - that Nick couldn’t help feeling oddly pleased. “I don’t think you’re a toddler, Princess,” he said, just to have the pleasure of seeing Louis frown at him.

Louis didn’t disappoint him either. He sighed, wrapped his arms around Nick, his face pressed to his neck, and mumbled, “I’ll be fine. I’m staying.”

Nick sat very still as Louis nuzzled at his neck. He sighed and said, “Lou, we have to talk about the other day.”

“No, we don’t. We’re fine. This is fine.” 

Nick grabbed Louis’ hands, “No, we aren’t, love. This is a bad idea. We’re both still grieving. We don’t need to complicate things; we need to be there for each other.”

Louis ducked his head before saying, “Except that this _is_ about being there for each other. This – touching you, having you touch me – helps me forget for a little while.”

Nick reached over and cupped Louis’ face, his thumb dancing across his cheekbones. Louis looked up at him - lips parted slightly, pink tongue coming out to moisten them – and took a deep breath before Nick leaned down and kissed him gently.

Louis lay back on the bed, pulling Nick with him without breaking the kiss. His hands tangled in Nick’s curls as he pulled him closer, mouths pressed together, tongues dancing, striving for dominance, their breathing heavy. Louis whimpered as Nick broke the kiss, which turned into a moan when Nick attached his mouth to his jaw. Nick nibbled and licked his way along Louis’ jaw, wanting to make the younger man moan again. Louis snuck his hand up Nick’s shirt; trailed his nails up and down his skin and making him shudder. Nick moved away but only enough to look into Louis’ eyes before crushing his mouth with his own more forcefully - more confidently than before. Now that he had permission, Nick was going to make the most of it. His teeth nipped at Louis’ bottom lip, causing the younger man to moan and arch his body into him.

Then the doorbell rang.

“Fuck!” they said in unison.

Louis wiggled out from under Nick. “It’s probably Liam bringing me some of my clothes - he said would,” he reminded him.

As it turned out, it _was_ Liam and he _had_ brought Louis some of his things. Taking in their dishevelled appearances, Liam said, “Sorry to wake you guys, I just brought Lou’s clothes.”

They looked at each other suppressing smiles at Liam’s obvious naïveté.

Liam spent the day with them and Nick used the opportunity to run errands and cool off.  After Liam left, they both retreated to Louis’ room where they fell asleep, legs and arms tangled, with Louis curled into Nick.

They spent the next few days wrapped up in each other, not certain where one began and the other end. When Nick tried to clean up, Louis would sit on the couch pouting at him – begging him to sit next to him and sighing happily when he threw the duster aside and relented to Lou’s demands.

The day arrived when Nick would have to go to work. Before he left, he made Louis’ breakfast while having his second cup of coffee and left it in the kitchen for when he woke up.

Louis got out of bed when he heard Nick close the front door. He turned on the radio and settled in to listen to the show. Even though he had told Nick he’d be fine, Louis wasn’t sure that he would. He had known the minute Nick left the bed they had shared the past few days – shared, but not had sex in. He suddenly felt lonely, alone with his thoughts in the empty flat. Louis wanted to scream. He put the radio on instead, listened to Nick, and instantly felt soothed at his familiar voice. Louis didn’t care what he was saying, he just need to hear him speak.

When he opened his front door, Nick was surprised to find Louis waiting for him. Louis grabbed Nick’s shirtfront and pulled him to the couch where he settled on top of him and practically purred in content. Nick brought his arms around Louis and held him. Louis looked at Nick and frowned – Nick looked different.

Louis blinked. Then he saw.

He saw Nick surrounded by yellow – the yellow of sunflowers and sunrays. For the first time in months, Louis Tomlinson smiled as he leaned down to kiss the only person who had colour in his world.

 


	3. Silver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sads and Sexytiems as promised ♥

 

They had developed a routine, each day following a rhythm. Every night they would fall asleep with Louis nestled against Nick, while Nick’s limbs encircled him, listening to and taking comfort from the other’s breathing. Every morning Nick would force himself to get out of bed, to disentangle himself from Louis, who – still asleep – would make little mewling sounds of protest at the loss. After his show, Nick would rush home and they would spend the day wrapped up in each other. Every second day they would buy flowers and take them to Harry’s grave. They never spoke about their time there – they always stood as they had the first time: silent, lost in thoughts and memories. Sometimes, Liam and the other two would come over – these visits were always the hardest – they would eventually slip into their old habits and behaviour. Whenever this happened Louis would turn around to say something to Harry or to ruffle his curls.

And then he’d remember.

He’d remember that Harry would never laugh at their jokes again with his curly head flung back in happiness.  He would never hear his voice drawling out a quick-witted response. He was gone.

Things would only get worse from that point on and everyone would leave feeling worse than when they’d arrived.

On those nights Louis would shut down. Ignoring Nick, knees pulled to his chest and eyes screwed shut, willing the world to disappear – Louis Tomlinson did not need or want a world where there was no Harry Styles.

Louis wasn’t the only one who felt Harry’s absence the most on those occasions. Nick could barely look at the other boys together without Harry. He could picture him clearly: his easy laugh, the way he’d fix his hair shaking his curly head before shoving it away from his face and the way would frown when Nick teased him. The difference was that he knew that if they were ever going to heal then they would have to try, to continue seeing people, try to bring some sort of normalcy to their lives. They had all lost enough already and losing each other was not an option. So, the visits continued, despite being the most painful thing that all of them had to do.

On the morning of Louis’ birthday, he lay in bed, in Nick’s arms, not wanting to think about it – about how last year this time Harry had woken him up by jumping on Louis’ bed singing _Happy Birthday to Lou_ as obnoxiously as he could. Louis turned to face Nick; he reached up and used his fingers to trace Nick’s freckles – he wasn’t sure when Nick had become so important to him but Louis needed him. He remembered a time when he had disliked Nick but looking at him now he didn’t know why – Nick was patient and attentive and he’d drop everything to help Louis if he needed him. When Nick’s eyes fluttered open, Louis pulled his hand away and just lay looking at him. Nick pulled Louis closer to him and kissed the top of his head.  When he saw Louis frown, Nick kissed his mouth.

Nick nuzzled Louis’ neck, his stubble brushing the sensitive skin. Louis let out a sigh when he felt Nick’s tongue tracing his collarbone. Nick’s hand traced patterns on Louis’ stomach, his long fingers teasing while he blew cool air on Louis’ neck.

Louis whimpered when he felt Nick’s teeth replace his tongue to nibble at his neck, his stubble leaving angry red marks which his tongue soothed.

Nick’s hand travelled down to stroke Louis’ length, thin fingers wrapped around warm flesh. Nick kissed Louis as his fingers teased, soft lips meeting, tongues touching and teasing. Louis brought his hand up to Nick’s hair, burying his fingers in his curls – pulling his mouth closer, firmly to his own.

Nick pulled away, smiling at Louis before working his way down Louis’ body to replace his hand with his mouth.

Louis whimpered as his hand reached down to stroke Nick’s hair. Louis loved the fact that Nick was always so gentle with him – so careful not to hurt. Nick’s tongue lazily flicked across the head of Louis’ cock, playing over the slit. His hands held Louis’ hips in place, his thumbs tracing patterns on the sensitive skin and causing Louis to squirm.

Nick hummed, acknowledging the squirming - Louis’ cock twitched in response – before lowering his mouth on Louis’ cock, his tongue caressing as he sucked. He moved his mouth slowly on Louis’ cock, pulling back as far as he could without releasing it before taking it back in.

Louis moaned, his free hand clutched at the sheets, his breathing becoming erratic, and his hips involuntarily moving up to meet Nick’s mouth. As Nick moved faster on his cock, Louis’ moans became louder. Nick took Louis all the way to the back of his throat, making swallowing motions causing Louis’ body to tense. Nick pulled back in time as Louis’ came into his mouth with Nick’s name falling from his lips and his eyes screwed shut. Swallowing, Nick moved up to hold Louis, who smiled up at him.

Nick dropped a kiss on Louis’ head and said, “Happy birthday, love.”

Louis took Nick’s hand, their fingers interweaving. “Nick, are we ever going to take things further?”

Nick brought their hands to his mouth, kissing Louis’ smaller one before replying, “Lou, I care about you. You’ve become the most important person in my life.”

“…but?” Louis prompted.

“If we have sex I want it to be for us. Not because missing Harry hurts but because we care about each other,” Nick replied.

Louis nodded in understanding before nuzzling Nick’s neck.

Nick’s phone buzzed, he reached over and read the message. “Liam and the others will be here in a couple of hours.”

Louis grinned, his hand finding Nick’s cock. “They’re just going to have to wait a while.”

 

They had a strict schedule to follow. They would have a celebratory birthday lunch with the boys and then they’d have to part ways. Both Nick and Louis’ families insisted that they be at their respective family homes for Christmas. Neither was looking forward to the separation and promised to get back to the flat – to each other – no later than the evening of the 26th.

Lunch was a subdued affair at a small restaurant. They hardly spoke for fear of upsetting Louis; they ate very little, feeling awkward in a way that they never had before – even when they had just formed as a group. They felt uncomfortable in each other’s company in a way that best friends never should.

Liam dropped Niall and Zayn at their houses before he took Nick and Louis home.

“Can I come in for a few minutes?” Liam asked, turning the engine off outside of Nick’s place and taking something out of the cubby-hole.

Nick shrugged. “Of course, mate.”

Once they were inside, Liam went to sit at the dining table and Louis, frowning, sat opposite him, Nick took the seat next to Louis and looked expectantly at Liam.

Liam fidgeted with the small parcel in his hand and cleared his throat. “I have something for you, Louis. He gave it to me a few weeks before…before it happened. He said he knew you’d go looking for it if he kept it at your place, so he asked me to keep it.”

Louis looked at Liam unsure of what to say. Nick put his arm around Louis’ shoulder before he nodded at Liam to indicate that he should give Louis the gift.

Liam’s hands shook slightly as he slid the parcel over to Louis. Louis stared at it as though he thought it was going to bite him.

Nick squeezed his shoulder and said, “You don’t have to open it now.”

Louis shook his head. “No, I’d rather not do it alone,” he said.

Louis reached for the package tentatively, he got it out of the bag Liam had kept it in and inside was a narrow box covered in gold wrapping paper. With shaking hands, Louis took the wrapping off it, tearing the paper slightly. All three of them gasped when Louis pulled a delicate silver necklace from the box.

Attached to the necklace was a tiny padlock pendant.

Louis turned the padlock over, his tears making it difficult to read the inscription on the back.

_L + H_

Louis turned to Nick, unsure of what to do. Nick pulled him closer, his hands rubbing Louis’ back – soothing – as Louis buried his face in Nick’s neck, his sobs muffled in Nick’s jumper. Liam came to their side of the table and put his arms around Louis and the three of them stayed that way for a long time.

Long after Liam left Louis was still clutching the necklace. He stared down at it thinking about all the times that he and Harry had joked about bringing out the best in each other, how they fit together like puzzle pieces – like a key in a lock.

It was nearing the time for them both to leave and although Nick didn’t want to go neither of them had really seen their families for a few months so he packed their things and made sure Louis was ready to travel. Nick dropped Louis off at the station and held him until his train came, he was reluctant to let him go – Louis hadn’t spoken much since Liam had given him the necklace and Nick was worried.

 

 

Louis woke up the next morning and was confused by his surroundings. He was in his old bedroom and he could hear his sisters running in the passage. He barely remembered travelling there and his mum coaxing him to eat before going up to bed, tired both emotionally and from the journey.

 He reached for his phone and saw messages from Nick.

_Are you okay?_

_Did you get there okay?_

_Louis, I need you to answer me. I’m starting to worry._

_Called your mum, she said you were asleep._

Louis replied with a simple _Merry Christmas xx_ before making his way down the stairs.

While they both were grateful to be spending time with their family, they couldn’t help but text each other throughout the day.

_I miss you._

_I miss you, too._

_It feels wrong not being with you._

_I’ll make it up to you tomorrow._

_I need a hug but no one here can hug the way you do._

 

The next day Nick got home before Louis did and decided to pick him up at the station. He smiled when he saw Louis, his hair being ruffled by the wind and the sun glinting off something on his chest. When Louis saw Nick he dropped his bag and launched himself into Nick’s arms.

They stood that way for a few minutes, oblivious to the passers-by who stared at them.

Nick looked down at Louis and said, “I’m glad you’re wearing it.”

Louis frowned as his hand wrapped around the necklace. “I have to. I haven’t been remembering him properly; I’ve made him a tragic hero when really he was a boy whose smile came so easily. I’ve shut everyone out and it’s not what he would have wanted, I’m going to keep wearing it as a reminder of who he was.”

Nick nodded. “Maybe we need to teach each other.”

The two of them walked hand in hand to the car and drove home where for the first time they shared their stories with each other, bringing to life the memory of the boy they both missed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the space between the last chapter and this one but illness struck so I couldn't get it out as fast as I had hoped to. Then I read it in my drugged up haze of flu meds and decided that it would not do at all and I am much happier as it is now.
> 
> I am told it is very sad and for that I apologise.
> 
> Thank you for reading and as always feedback is welcome.


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